duck

8.1.02


bitchyshit was down and so was i. everything around me feels so strange. i can't handle things, my life anymore. all i can think about is him. his gentle touch, shy smile and those pretty eyes. what is the matter with me?
i had millions of things to rant about, but they all disappeared like dust in the wind when certain things happened. things that will not be specified any more. i need this, badly. but it's not interesting, not for you. i'm doing it for myself, to get my thoughts cleared.
"i don't have time for this." that's what i've been thinking many times. but the truth is, if i don't have time, i have to make time for this.
this should help me, and it probably does, but not as much as it could. maybe i could start all over in this whole web scene, create a new personality, new site, new friends. create a site, that would not be seen by people, or more like a person i know in real life. that way i could talk about things the way they really are, without using metaphores and stuff like that. why don't i do it then, you ask? i don't know. maybe because that one person was the one who got me started on this, maybe i feel like she is allowed to see what she has inspired me to do. maybe i don't want give up those friends i have got in this small shallow world of ours. maybe i don't want to lie people.
my name is not really sunny, but that's how everyone around here, including myself, still calls me. it's not my name, but i am her. outside this internet world my name might be saara, but here i am known by those few precious people as sunny. i have had that name since the beginning of this web thing, since expage. it has became a part of me during this short period of time, just like the name saara has became a part of me during these fourteen years i have lived.
this is where we got. from talking about my pathetic little love life, that i'm too afraid to do anything about, too scared to break something precious and tender. fortunately i have my ways to vent. without my weblog i wouldn't probably be able to live with myself. but without talking about things somewhere else, i would be doomed.
all this might sound ridiculous, but isn't that what everything is? aren't everyone trying to make other people laugh and cheer for them, to tell them how kewl they are? maybe i'm different.


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